Nearly The News
A satire news show. Equal parts ridiculous, absurd, and silly. Shaken and always stirred.Video Episodes:
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15:37:26 05/21/12
White House Wishes and JP Morgan Checks Pants! - NTN #127
[LESS INFO] 1 VIEWS | ADDED 15:37:26 05/21/12
WHITE HOUSE: A PRAYER IS A WISH THE HEARTS MAKES… OR SOMETHING
Cap News is reporting the White House has proposed changing the National Day of Prayer to a "National Day of Wishing."
"What is prayer if not a form of wishing” President Obama told reporters. “Wishing for mercy, forgiveness, to win the lottery or that something horrible will befall our enemies."
Obama noted that it would in no way violate the separation of church and state to ask people of all faiths - or no faith - to engage in a nationally sponsored period of abject begging.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201005006
JP MORGAN: OH THERE IT IS, GOSH WE FEEL STUPID
Just days after announcing it had lost 2 billion dollars of investor money through a series of questionable trades, JP Morgan now says it found the money in an old suit.
“Color us embarrassed,” said a bank spokesperson. “We’ve just go so much cash laying around, sometimes we misplace it.” He added there is obviously now no need for Washington to tighten regulations on banks, and implored everyone to pay attention to something else.
THE AVENGERS – TOO HARD TO TRIPLE X?
Porn makers who have had great success launching XXX parodies of popular shows and movies, say ripping off the Avengers is going to be tricky.
“It doesn’t lend itself to anything dirty,” said a spokesperson for Vivid Entertainment. “Ass-engers? The Rear-enders? It all feels so forced.” Other titles recently discarded include “The Booty Avengers and something about “Our Iron Man will make you Thor.”
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23:46:33 05/17/12
Biblical Romney and Two and a Half Men Get Oral - NTN #126
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JOHN EDWARDS: POLLING THE JURY?
In a shocking turn of events at the John Edwards criminal trial, derfmagazine.com is reporting Edwards has impregnated all five female members of the jury.
Jurors 2, 5, 6, 9, and 11 have all been confirmed to be “in the Edwards way,” and the lead prosecutor says they are now unsure how to proceed because “We believe we have a strong case, but now have to figure out if knocking up jurors will make them more sympathetic to the defendant or less.”
http://www.derfmagazine.com/news/politics/john-edwards-impregnates-jurors
MITT ROMNEY: THE BIBLE WAY… SORT OF
GOP presumptive nominee Mitt Romney told a conservative college audience this week that his definition of marriage comes from the Bible, or at least part of it.
“Marriage should be the way it was in the good book,” Romney told a cheering crowd at Liberty University. “Except for those parts of the bible where people had lots of wives, because even though God was okay with that back then, we need to pick and choose scripture so it fits our political ends, like that crap about loving one’s enemies, I mean, come on.”
TWO AND HALF MEN – AN ORAL TRADITION
After being renewed for its 10th season, the creator of 2 ½ Men says this year will contain more oral sex jokes than ever before.
“BJs are always funny,” said creator Chuck Lorre. “Last year we averaged about one “oral” joke per show, but this year, we’re going for three to four, including one special episode where it’ll be nothing but thinly veiled euphemisms including “snake swallowing, the old gag-reflex tester, and tongue bathing the fire hose.”
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18:32:42 05/12/12
Romney Bank Account Plus NFL Endless Draft - NTN #125
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ROMNEY: IT WASN’T MINE, HONEST!
The GOP presumptive presidential nominee is hitting back at an Obama ad poking fun at Romney’s Swiss bank account.
“It wasn’t even my account,” Romney told Meet the Press. “It was our dogs.” Romney explained that in order to not pay taxes on his extreme wealth, he made the dog a shareholder in several companies, then moved the money off shore.
“It’s an unfair attack, Seamus’ paw prints were on the account, not mine. Just ask any one of our thirty accountants.”
UK COMMITTEE TO MURDOCH: NOT SO MUCH ON THE HUMANITY THING
A UK Parliamentary Committee says Fox News founder Rupert Murdoch isn’t fit to run a company, cut his own food or own a goldfish.
The finding comes in the wake of a phone hacking scandal at one of Murdoch’s tabloid newspapers.
The official report says it made the finding to keep Murdoch from harming any other celebrity phone owners, tropical fish that are susceptible to over-feeding, or even himself by trying to swallow pieces of liver too large for his aging esophagus. Murdoch’s family are reported to be greatly relieved.
ARE YOU STILL READY FOR SOME PRE-NFL FOOTBALL RELATED NEWS?
The NFL draft has entered it’s 49th day with Minnesota back on the clock at this hour. ESPN is still live covering the event, which has seen 5,120 players selected so far. Best of the remaining crop of college players include a narcoleptic kicking standout from Freeman Community College in South Dakota and a recent University of Phoenix graduate who goes by the online name of Willyawesome469@gmail.com.
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18:01:28 05/08/12
Suicide Down Economy Up and Kardashians Satan Deal - NTN #124
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GOVT TO VOTERS: COFFINS TIED TO ECONOMY
New figures just released show the number of suicides last month are down 11 percent, an indication of an improving economy according to a government spokesperson.
“When people aren’t hanging, gassing, or OD-ing themselves, it means they’re feeling better about things, so hooray for us!” says a Whitehouse spokesperson. GOP officials say while the lack of deaths is good news, because Obama is president, its really not.
DEVIL ANNOUNCES CONTRACT EXTENSION
According to Satan, the Kardashians have re-upped for another four years of shows on E! “We’re thrilled, obviously” said the Dark Lord who also manages the omnipresent family. “They sold their souls for this, and I’m just happy it’s all working out.”
And finally…
NHL: OUR GUYS HAVE BLADES!
Cap News is reporting NHL commissioner Gary Bettman will soon announce that the rule regarding fighting between players will be expanded to allow for the use of brass knuckles and "blackjack" style clubs.
The NHL’s official rule book which deals with the issue of fighting in the sport, will be amended according to Bettman. Article 46.2 of the rule, which defines the roles of instigator and aggressor will be modified to allow the non-instigator of a fight to choose their own weapons. Wow, concussions anyone?
http://crystalair.com/story.php?id=201203014
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16:36:01 05/04/12
Google Buys Earth and Nugent Song - NTN #123
[LESS INFO] 0 VIEWS | ADDED 16:36:01 05/04/12
GOOGLE: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE… ALSO SEARCHABLE
Cap News is reporting that Google has agreed in principle to acquire the planet Earth for a record $590.6 billion in cash and assets.
"With the completion of our Google Earth project, we have analyzed every square mile of this beautiful planet and are poised to take Google to a whole new level," says a Google spokesperson. "The world at large will not be able to sneeze without Google knowing about it, and we believe that's a good thing."
http://crystalair.com/story.php?id=200704014
GOP: BRANDING EXTREMISM FOR YOUR FUTURE
Now that President Obama has unveiled his 2012 campaign slogan “Forward,” the GOP has come out with its own motto.
“We’re going with “Yeah, but he’s black!” a Republican strategist told NTN. “It covers all of Obama’s successes with a simple rebuttal – he killed Bin Laden? Yeah, but he’s black. He got rid of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell? Yeah, but he’s black. He saved the American automotive industry? Well, you can see where we’re going with this one.”
And finally…
TED NUGENT: WANGO TANG-OH-OH
Controversial bow hunter and rock star Ted Nugent says despite complaints from “commies, gays and homos,” his new song isn’t meant to be taken literally.
Nugent is well known for calling Hillary Clinton a worthless bitch and threatening to kill the president. But he insists his new song “Kill The President and that Bitch Hillary,” is an allegory.
“That’s a word, right? Allegory?” he recently told NTN. “Yeah, go with that. Freedom!”
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02:08:00 04/27/12
North Korea Says Not Fail and Santorum For Life! NTN #122
[LESS INFO] 0 VIEWS | ADDED 02:08:00 04/27/12
NORTH KOREA: YOU CALL IT FAILURE, WE CALL IT NOT FAILURE
After a long range rocket broke up in flight and fell into the sea, North Korean media reported that the explosion was exactly what they wanted to happen.
A statement from the dictatorship read in part: “Our glorious nation today celebrated the technical triumph that saw many fish killed despite the traitorous work of several rocket scientists who are now serving this great nation in work camps or through suicide.”
IT’S NOT A CHOICE, IT’S A CAMPAIGN
Pro life groups say Rick Santorum needs to set a good example and carry his dying campaign to term.
“Santorum is very clear that he thinks a woman should never get rid of a fetus even if delivering the child would kill her,” a pro-life spokesperson told NTN.
“So now’s the time to set an example. This thing may be over, but he’s got a message to send to victims of rape and incest.”
GIBSON TO JEWS: THIS TIME, IT’S PERSONAL
And finally,
According to screenwriter Joe Eszterhas, Mel Gibson is still not a fan of Jews. Eszterhas had been working with Gibson on a film about the Macabees, a Jewish army that took over Judea thousands of years ago, and says Mel just doesn’t care for the chosen people. “It’s that whole Christ Killing thing,” says Eszterhas. “Mel took it really personally, even though Jesus being the son of God he could have stopped them any time he wanted, Mel just likes to hold a grudge.” Gibson’s camp could not be reached for comment.
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21:53:00 04/23/12
Victoria's Secret New Line and States Adopt Chastity Belts! NTN #121
[LESS INFO] 0 VIEWS | ADDED 21:53:00 04/23/12
NTN 121
IF TALKING FAILS, TRY LACE!
Cap News reports that Victoria's Secret will soon unveil its Panacea collection, which designers claim will save even the most desperately floundering of intimate relationships.
"Victoria's Secret understands what women are really looking for when they shop with us," says company spokeswoman. "And we're proud to finally give them what they want: a quick-fix, $26 magic bullet that will instantly solve the myriad problems and frustrations which have long plagued their unfulfilling marriages."
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201204003
STATES TO BROADS: KEEP YOUR KNEES TOGETHER AND NO ONE GETS HURT
According to Chicagodope.com several state legislatures have passed new laws that require women above the age of puberty to wear chastity belts with the keys held by their fathers—or husbands.
Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett signed the chastity belt bill into law on Monday. Other states are also requiring that any woman caught having sex or using birth control outside of marriage to either wear a scarlet letter A on their clothing or spend time in a public stockade.
The stocks would also be used for new crimes, such as any woman leaving the house without the written permission of either her husband or eldest male relative.
http://www.thechicagodope.com/2012/03/26/more-states-requiring-chastity-belts-scarlet-letters/
And finally…
GUILLEN TO FANS: GUESS WHO I REALLY LIKE?
Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen is in hot water again. During a press conference in which he was forced to apologize for saying he admired Fidel Castro, Guillen raised eyebrows when he added his critics “are worse than Hitler, who was also pretty cool, but not nearly as awesome as Stalin.” Guillen’s suspension is likely to become indefinite.
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15:48:30 04/19/12
Jesus Okays Tebow Plus Kardashian's Ovaries! - NTN #120
[LESS INFO] 0 VIEWS | ADDED 15:48:30 04/19/12
GOP TO DEMS: NO, YOU HATE WOMEN
The GOP says democrats don’t have any respect for the hardworking women who supervise the nannies that raise many of this nations wealthiest children.
The political attack came in the wake of a Democratic strategist who said Mitt Romney’s wife didn’t know much about working for a living. “Managing nannies and housekeepers is real work,” said a Republican spokesperson. “What Mitt’s wife did wasn’t easy, and to say she lived off her billionaire husband’s wealth may be accurate, but saying it’s not work is just mean.”
NYC PRAYERS ANSWERED - JESUS ON BOARD
It’s official, the son of god has signed off on the Tim Tebow trade. The Christian nation was holding its breath after the Broncos traded Tebow to the New York Jets, but now Jesus has given the move a big thumbs up.
“It feels like a good fit,” Mr. Christ told reporters during a conference call. “New York is a bigger media center, so there’s more opportunity to get our message out.” Jesus then abruptly left the call, as his father had caused a Tsunami in India, and he had some prayers to return.
And finally…
KARDASHIANS AND KARDASHIANS AND KARDASHIANS
Cap News is reporting the eggs in Kim Kardashian's ovaries have signed contracts to star in a reality show with E! Entertainment Television. The show will be contingent on ad support and any of the eggs being fertilized and eventually born.
"It was no picnic making sure that that each of her 35,000-plus eggs was represented in this contract," Kardashian's publicist says. "But we didn't want any other networks to be able to swoop in and option a single one for another show, particularly since it's anyone's guess which one will become the next Kardashian.”
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201204006
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06:04:00 04/11/12
Happy Dwarfs, Heartfelt Cheney and Smart Jessica! NTN #119
[LESS INFO] 0 VIEWS | ADDED 06:04:00 04/11/12
HI HO, HI HO, IT’S OFF TO COURT WE GO!
Cap News is reporting the federal Mine Safety and Health Administration has settled a class-action lawsuit filed by the estates of Disney's seven dwarfs, agreeing to pay out $6.3 million. The money is for medical expenses related to mine safety incidents that occurred 70 years ago.
The dwarfs submitted hundreds of reports showing they suffered from a horrifying list of ailments including emphysema, malaria, black lung, and brain damage.
"I think the MSHA misunderestimated our reliance," said the great, great, great grandson of Dopey. “My great grandfather was pretty smart when he started mining, and we can all witnessed the results.”
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=200603026
CHENEY GETS HEART… ADMITS TO CONFUSION AND FEELINGS
Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he’s confused by feelings of empathy and kindness after receiving a heart transplant.
“We removed a very damaged black organ that pumped a rage-filled bile through his body,” said one of Cheney’s surgeons, “And replaced it with a human donor heart. I guess we should have expected some emotional changes.”
Cheney says he now regrets pretty much everything he’s ever done, said or stood for, and looks forward to spending the rest of his days helping the less fortunate and making amends for “a career of self-serving jingoistic narcissism.”
And finally…
ARE YOU SMARTER THAN JESSICA SIMPSON’S BABY?
Doctors says Jessica Simpson’s unborn child is already slightly smarter than her celebrity mom. In utero tests have shown that when you take age into consideration, the fetus is functioning at a much higher level than her blonde-haired incubator. “Me pregnant, horny,” Simpson said when told of the news, before farting and running off to the bathroom.
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08:14:00 04/06/12
Kony Makeover and Canadian Hooker Trouble For Hockey! - NTN #118
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MOVE THAT TRUCK FULL OF CHILD SOLDIERS!
Cap News is reporting that just months removed from the cancellation of its Extreme Makeover, ABC says it will re-assemble the show's cast for a new series featuring Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony.
"If anyone is in need of a makeover right now, it's him," says Ty Pennington, who agreed to reprise his role as host and design team leader. "The man has simply been run through the ringer on YouTube - and with video footage that's like half a dozen years old!”
"I tell you, if you haven't seen Joseph Kony lately," added Pennington, "then you haven't seen Joseph Kony."
http://crystalair.com/story.php?id=201203011
OOOOOOOOOH CANADA!
It may soon be legal to operate a brothel in Canada, and while that’s good news for the Canadian whore industry, the National Hockey League is not happy.
A court in Ontario recently struck down a law outlawing houses of ill repute, and it is not sitting well with the hockey establishment. “How are we supposed to compete?” says NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “They got two things up there, hockey and hookers, and only one of them is even remotely entertaining.” Bettman says if Canadians are given a choice between watching men hit each other with sticks and having safe legal sex with young women, the entire league could collapse.
And finally…
HUNGER FOR EYE PATCHES?
The hit movie the Hunger Games is turning into a windfall not only for Lionsgate Studios but for bow and arrow makers as well as eye-patch manufacturers as well.
“Kids want to look like their hero Katniss,” said the owner of Baby Bows Archery Supplies. “Our stuff is flying off the shelves, and when girls start shooting, you know they’re gonna put some eyes out.”
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07:31:00 04/03/12
You're Late, Hoodie Armor, and Jets Phrases - NTN #117
[LESS INFO] 1 VIEWS | ADDED 07:31:00 04/03/12
YOU’RE LATE… AND NOT IN THAT WAY
A new law, which permits employers to withhold contraception coverage based on worker performance, has been embraced by a majority of companies in Florida.
"Our receptionist occasionally arrives to work five or ten minutes late," a sunshine state business owner told Cap News. "We're pretty sure it's because she's out partying until all hours, screwing everyone in sight to take advantage of our endless supply of birth control.”
The middle-aged uterus free man later added: "You want your pills, honey? Then be a good girl and show up on time."
http://crystalair.com/story.php?id=201203009
WHEN YOU THINK “HOODIE,” THINK “ARMOR”
Hoodie manufacturers say they’re designing a new line of outerwear that will give wearers some protection against bullets.
This comes in the wake of the shooting death of 17-year-old Treyvon Martin who was walking through a Florida neighborhood while wearing a hoodie, when a self-described neighborhood watch patrolman assaulted him.
“Kevlar is the new it fabric,” said an American Apparel spokesperson. “Right wing whack-jobs are correct when they say the hoodie helped kill Treyvon. Now maybe our clothing can help save lives.”
And finally…
TEBOW TROUBLE IN THE BIG APPLE?
New York sports fans are having trouble coming up with slogans to express how excited they are to get moderately adequate quarterback Tim Tebow in a Jets jersey this season.
“We’ve tried a bunch of stuff,” said a long time season-ticket holder. “He’s Tebow-riffic sucks, We’ve thought Te-boners was too racy, and don’t Tee-se-bow me just didn’t make much sense.“ Other phrases in the running include “I had the Tim of my life and Sure Hope Jesus-boy Doesn’t Suck.”
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14:28:00 03/29/12
Pray Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh Dom! - NTN #116
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TORNADO ALLEY TO ROBERTSON: SURE, LET’S GIVE IT A SHOT
Towns in the famed “tornado alley” say they have an offer for evangelist Pat Robertson. Robertson recently told viewers that the reason places get hit by these devastating storms is because people don’t pray hard enough.
“We’ll take him at his word,” said an official from Joplin Missouri. “Next time the sirens go, we’ll chain Pat to the post office, if we’ve rebuilt it by then, and let him pray the funnel cloud away. Always nice to see a man of God put his money where his mouth is.”
RUSH TO DOM: I’VE BEEN A BAD BOY
Rush Limbaugh, the conservative radio host who’s been in hot water after calling a Georgetown Law student a “slut” and a “prostitute,” says he expects to have to pay for his poor choice of words when he visits Mistress Gloria for his weekly bondage and anal play session.
“She’s stern, but fair,” says the portly four times married former pill addict. “I know I’ve been bad, and I know she’ll make my rear end pay for it… frankly, I can hardly wait.”
And finally…
MEGA MEDIA MAKEOVER
In a move that industry analysts say illustrates the challenges facing traditional media, Cap News says the Gannet Company will now only run photos of attractive people in its newspapers, including USA Today.
"We asked ourselves: Is there ever a time that a story is better served by showing an ugly person?" said a spokesperson. "And then we answered ourselves: No, there isn't."
Recent focus group studies found that an audience preferred seeing attractive, well-groomed people in their publications. And if a less attractive illustration is necessary - say, for a story on obesity or electrolysis - they preferred a cartoon caricature to a real-life overweight or hairy person.
Well, don’t we all.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=200712008
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06:11:00 03/22/12
Romney Bat Plan and Lin Racism! NTN #115
[LESS INFO] 7 VIEWS | ADDED 06:11:00 03/22/12
Nearly The News #115
NANANANANANANANA ROMNEY!
In a move that shocked Wall Street, Mitt Romney's Bain Capital has purchased Bruce Wayne's company Wayne Industries, threatening thousands of layoffs and across the board restructuring.
"This should have been done years ago," Romney told Cap News "Wayne Industries has been sinking millions of dollars into the research and development department with nothing to show for it. He’s constantly purchasing ridiculous things like grappling hooks, elaborate novelty cars and shark spray. This is no way to run a company.”
ASIAN ASSOC: LAY ON THE LIN-TIMIDATION!
An Asian-American rights group says the treatment Jeremy Lin is getting at the hands of fellow NBA players is racist.
The Harvard educated Lin burst onto the scene a few weeks back, becoming the Nicks starting point guard and unleashing a fan craze known as Lin-sanity.
But the Asian American Anti-defamation League says the way other teams are now guarding Lin smacks of racism. “They’re all over him,” says a spokesperson. “Normally you see an Asian kid on the court, you practically ignore him. So what’s different about Lin? So he can play, does that mean they should treat him differently? No.”
And finally…
MAYOR TO WORLD: SHUT UP, WE ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THIS
Following a string of violent tornadoes in the Midwest this week, Gary, Indiana has been forced to deny reports that it was one of those damaged by the storms.
The mayor of Gary insisted to theindytribune.com that much of the carnage in the downtown area was simply the result of inadequate inner-city funding, poverty and the city's poor infrastructure – not any giant windstorm.
As one anonymous official put it “Frankly, a tornado could only improve this place.”
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08:54:00 03/16/12
Romney to Homeless, GOP Dance Off - NTN #114
[LESS INFO] 4 VIEWS | ADDED 08:54:00 03/16/12
COLTS TO MANNING: SO LONG AND THANKS FOR MAIMING YOURSELF
The NFL’s Indianapolis Colts have announced they are cutting Peyton Manning’s third and fourth vertebras.
The Super Bowl champion quarterback missed last season with a neck injury, and despite rehab efforts, Colt’s management said they couldn’t justify keeping the 3rd cervical and the 4th cervical on the roster.
“We can’t trust that these parts will work,” said Colts owner Jim Irsay. “We love the rest of Peyton, but some parts, like the neck parts, are really important.”
ROMNEY TO HOMELESS: GET HELP, LITERALLY
The Chicagodope.com is reporting GOP candidate Mitt Romney told a group of homeless protesters they should move in with their servants rather than live on the street.
The protesters, a mix of permanent street dwellers and those who lost their homes through foreclosures, confronted a confused Romney as he left a recent campaign appearance.
“Do your servants have their own homes? Maybe you could live with them?” Romney told the protesters. “No one wants to have to move in with their butler but these are hard times, my friends. That’s why my I’m running for president.”
http://www.thechicagodope.com/2012/03/01/romney-tells-homeless-to-move-in-with-their-butlers/
And finally…
GOP CONTEST SOON TO BE A DANCE OFF!
The Republican party, still looking for a front runner after Super Tuesday’s split decision, says its considering scrapping all future primaries and holding an old fashioned, depression era style dance off.
“Can you imagine the ratings,” said a GOP insider, who described the old-fashioned endurance contests where the last couple standing wins. “Newt and Calista hoofing it out with Romney and his wife? Amazing!”
Experts say frontrunners would continue to be Romney and Santorum – Romney for his ability to do the robot, and Santorum for his affection for all things rhythm method related.
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13:00:00 03/12/12
Obama Testicles Found and Lorax With Exxon - NTN #113
[LESS INFO] 6 VIEWS | ADDED 13:00:00 03/12/12
OBAMA FINDS A PAIR, AND THEY’RE HIS!
White House officials are crediting President Obama’s tougher tone lately with the recent discovery of his left and right testicles. “They were in a closet of all places” says an anonymous White House source close to the President’s junk. It is believed the President lost his testicle shortly after taking office, which resulted in his caving to Republicans over tax hikes for the wealthy and many of his campaign promises. “Things’ll be different now,” says the source. “At least until he’s re-elected, then they’re probably coming off again.”
I SPEAK FOR THE TREES… AND EXXON
The people behind the movie The Lorax, Dr. Seuss’s beloved story about the importance of preserving nature, say promotional tie ins will help sell the movie’s message. A studio spokesperson says “seeing the fuzzy little Lorax driving a sports car will teach kids that trees are great, but so is looking sexy when you’re cruising around town or heading to the salon to get your brows waxed.” Reports that Dr. Seuss has been heard spinning in his grave have not been confirmed.
And finally…
RIHANNA AND BROWN: THE BEAT GOES ON
Rihanna has beefed up her life insurance coverage. A spokesperson from State Farm says the singer and sometimes punching bag for on again off again boyfriend Chris Brown has doubled her accidental death coverage to a whopping two million dollars. “Now that they’re sort of back together, she’s not taking any chances” said the anonymous insurance agent. “Say this for the girl, she’s pretty smart… that way.”
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08:07:00 03/07/12
North Korea Tough Guys and Santorum Aims at Kindergarten - NTN #112
[LESS INFO] 2 VIEWS | ADDED 08:07:00 03/07/12
Nearly The News #112
NORTH KOREA STILL BAT-SH*T CRAZY!
Theindytribune.com reports that the leadership of North Korea will soon begin military proceedings against another planet. Newly minted dictator Kim Jong-un has officially set his country’s sights upon “destroying the Sun by any means necessary” according to state media.
Analysts have theorized that either A) what we’re seeing here is basic prison mentality, where a newcomer, not wanting to be anybody’s bitch, walks straight up and picks a fight with the biggest guy in the yard. Or B) Kim Jong-un is simply nuts.
http://www.theindytribune.com/2011/12/kim-jong-un-declares-war-on-sun.html
SANTORUM: KINDERGARTEN IS GERMAN FOR SOMETHING BAD
GOP candidate Rick Santorum says not only are colleges liberal indoctrination factories, but day cares promote socialism and grade schools are nothing more than houses of devil worship where holy scripture is used as toilet paper.
Santorum was apparently doubling down on his criticism of President Obama’s goal of allowing everyone who wants to go to college an opportunity to do so.
“It’s all about sharing in daycares,” said Santorum to Tea Party gathering recently. “And sharing is socialism.” He did not elaborate on his grade school charges, but clearly, Santorum’s early education was far more interesting than ours was.
And finally…
NASCAR: GONNA NEED BIGGER STOCK CARS
According to a new report by the American Institute For Advertising And Marketing, every product known to exist is now an official sponsor of NASCAR.
"What you have is an advertisement being driven past a captive audience over and over again for hours at a time” Cap News quotes a NASCAR official as saying. “It was only a matter of time before our cars were completely covered over.”
Drivers are said to be concerned about ads on the windshields, but NASCAR says it’s a small price to pay to promote Windex and a brand of Lithuanian rectal wipes to all their fans.
http://www.crystalair.com/story.php?id=201202006
05/09/11